Reds Gift Guide 2008: Random Fandom

Ninth in a Series

By Donkey Dizzle
Staff Livestock 

So I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to bring to the masses the craziest, wackiest, must-have Reds items for all of you lunatic fans such as myself. If you’re anything like me, you like to collect off-the-wall items that normal folk would never consider. So I’ve amassed a list of Christmas gift ideas for all you people way out there in left field with me.

Th term “oddball collector” can have several meanings. For example, it might be the fan who collects things such as the camouflage jerseys and straw hats the Reds gave away at the stadium this past season. Or, it might be someone who relishes in finding an old advertising piece such as a Reds piggybank. Or, oddball might be the fan who just likes the outlandish, like a jersey for your dog, and so forth.

A few simple Internet searches will bring up anything from Reds poker chips to neck ties to popcorn machines. There are hundreds of Reds items. Here are some of the more unique, flamboyant, and outright dizzlish Reds trinkets you can decorate your clubhouse with!

Come back with me, back to a Friday afternoon sometime during the dog days of summer, just as that clock is about to hit five. . . .

At the Office
What’s this? The clock just hit five! And this isn’t any normal clock, this is your rockin’, totally awesome Reds clock for your cubicle wall, showing the evolution of the Reds’ jerseys! So you throw your pen into your Reds pencil  holder, straighten up your business cards, grab that grocery list off your Reds memo pad, snatch your Redlegs-keychained keys, and bolt for the door. Big game tonight. Gotta get snacks. . . . Wait! Don’t forget to wash out your Redlegs soup/coffee thermos. That brother will stink like pigs by tomorrow morning.

For Your Redlegsmobile
You gotta ride in style. What better way to flash your team spirit on your way out of the parking lot than dressing up your Pinto with these items? Here’s the always impressive set of floor mats (p.s.–don’t put your nappy hoofs on my mats unless they are clean). Every fan must have the license plate frame – it’s just a necessity. Don’t forget the splash guards; you gotta keep that shiny red paint clean with these bad boys. And just to complete your car makeover, grab the car magnet, spare tire cover, rear window decals, and steering wheel cover. Once you’ve pimped out your ride in all of this gear, you’ll be riding redder than yee, haw, whoo.

Safe at Home
So, you’re bug-eyed from a long day at work but auto pilot guides you home thanks to your own personal landmark: the Redlegs mailbox. You are greeted by Fido (or Gapper–one furball for another) and reminded to fill his Redlegs dog dish, after which you go straight to your game-viewing room, where the mood is set right away by having Great American Ball Park plastered all over your wall. This monster 8-by-12-foot mural makes you feel like you’re at the ballpark everyday without leaving your domain. To fully complement your mural, you’ll definitely need the Reds carpet floor tiles! These will make your room reek of Redlegs fandom. I’m sure the spouse won’t mind a bit. No sirree, not at all. If she does, point to the championship banner you have hanging in the ceiling. What’s missing? Eight . . . teen . . . long . . . years. Play the sympathy card.

Now that we have the walls and floors covered, we need to start accessorizing. Here’s a few more must-have items to complete the makeover:

This gorgeous Reds mantel clock will help you stay on schedule for the night’s game. I’d be rocking baby Donk to sleep every night in the warm glow of this classic Tiffany-style lantern. Then, sit back, relax, and watch your Reds in HD from this kickass leather recliner complete with cup holders. Obviously you will have a drink poured into your crystal pilsner glass from your Reds beer tap on that quarter-keg. Some may say it’s over the edge; I say we’re just getting started!

Did Someone Say Barbecue?
Once you’ve entertained your friends long enough in the clubhouse, you’ll need some outdoor gear to chill in while those burgers and hot dogs are being grilled. Any good grillmaster will have his fantastic Redlegs apron–it’ll keep your Reds jersey of choice clean while grilling away. Of course, you’ll need the right grill. Gas, charcoal, tabletop, kettle–that doesn’t matter. But you’ll need a grill that shows your loyalty and this Kenmore 3-burner red beauty from Sears also gets Mr. R’s stamp of approval. Or at least, from his neighbor the BBQ King. Good enough.

Depending on your taste, you might need some official Reds hot sauce or an assortment of rubs, seasonings, barbecue or steak sauces from Hot Sauce Harry’s. While you’re flipping those burgers, make sure to keep your fruity beer cool in this stellar kaddy. And of course, you’ll need the proper utensils for grilling. Once you’ve lathered that dog up good in mustard and you’ve got your fruity beer of choice koozied up, take a seat in this bad boy chair and enjoy listening to Marty on the radio!

For You Super Fans. . . .
Here’s a little list of completely off-the-wall, outta-left-field, no-one-else-will-ever-have-’em items:

1.) Reds Helmet Mouse – for all your blogging needs!

2.) Reds 9-Ball Billiard Set – I mean really, who else would have Reds pool balls!? Who has the balls to pay this much for them cajones?

3.) Reds Bridal Garter – Seriously, for all of you soon-to-be-married fans out there, get your lady to wear this and you know she really loves you. Too bad I didn’t see this before I got married, I would’ve been all over it. You must get this.

4.) Reds Hammer and Toolbelt – My personal favorite! There are so many uses for such items. You can hammer nails, remove nails, and when the Reds lose that game after blowing another lead, you can even chuck this bad boy at the TV.

5.) For Little Reds Fans – All your children should be wearing this . . . daily.

I hope you enjoyed our imaginary trip back to the summer months that are filled with nothing but baseball, good times, and good friends. If I had unlimited funds, my place would be fully furnished and decorated with all of these wonderful items. Of course, one day, my wish will be fulfilled and I will be living in the Land of Redlegs.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

Editor’s Note: A collective hee-haw for a fun and funny segment of this series by The Donk, the standard by which wacky Reds fans are measured.